Druids of Sisyphus Gardens Log

23 Jan 2023

Like most years before it, 2022 was a fantastic year to be Druids in the woods. We enjoyed all the calls we received, even when the Callers needed to “talk at” more than “talk”. This year we worked on a very quick explanation for callers thinking they called a wrong number. We love accidental calls too!

2/10 Voicemail. “Hello, my personal teleportation device has apparently left me in Portland, Oregon, in the year 2022. It is approximately-“ click
3/16 Caller just wanted to thank me or anyone for the Futel node on Taylor. Said they just have a burner phone, and Futel is just great.
4/8 Voicemail. “The prisoners have escaped from Sub-Unit 4 Alpha! Please initiate aerial search immediately! …Just kidding, this is a prank.”
4/10 Caller and I said “hi” and “hello” to each other four or five times. The traffic was really loud, but the caller was happy to have a new Futel in the neighborhood. We chatted about the weather and the Party Line zine. Caller claimed to be the printer. We wished each other great days.
4/28 Voicemail. “Keep pushing those trees up the hill!”
5/28 Operator called, and it was the clearest sounding Futel call ever. Hope those phone sanitation stations are still active. Save the human family.
6/28 (Caller was laughing throughout the entire call.) “Who is this?” The Druid of Sisyphus Gardens. “What is this?” A free phone, you can call anyone for free. “Free? I just put in a dime (haha)” You didn’t have to. “Why would anyone need this? (hah)” Well, not everyone has a cell phone. “But how does anyone make money off of this?” It’s a non-profit. “Now that’s how you make money, non-profits. (haha!)”
6/26 Caller from Detroit reported that it was actually hot in Detroit. Said that they had been to the Shakespeare festival in southern Oregon, and that they are really stoked about a working street phone. We co-lamented about the loss of the last working street phone in NYC.
6/30 A senior in high school was looking for Druidic advice. We spoke of school, hiking, and taking time out for friends.
7/17 Detroit called looking for the Druid, I confirmed it was the Druid. It was 89℉ in Detroit and 90℉ here. We talked about the weather, fire, and life. “OK.”
8/9 Portland caller wanted to visit the Druids. I asked if they knew anything about our woods, or if they were a random stranger. They knew about it from Futel, and are scared of the internet and the I-5. I gave them instructions anyway. As of 1/7/23 they haven’t shown up.
Sometime in late summer, I obtained a secret way to call the Upright Futel rotary phone. I called just as they had just repaired the phone moments before, coincidentally. The Upright operator was confused as to how the Druid was calling just then, and confused me in turn, and then a mob of customers entered, immediately ending the call.
9/3 Caller wanted to visit the Druids’ meditation retreat in Forest Park. This place does not exist, and I could not provide further information or wisdom to their inquiries. They asked if there is an option to call a priest instead.
9/25 Voicemail. “Who ARE you?” followed by “The Girl from Ipanema” for a full minute.
11/11 Answered as the Druid of Sisyphus Gardens. “I was trying to call myself” I explained that I was not them, but they weren’t sure. I told them that it would be really weird if I was, and maybe this was a missed connection with their True Self. Then they handed the receiver to their friend, and I explained what happened to their friend, as they explained it “telephone-style” to them/me/us. “Thanks!”
11/5 Caller was looking for Brad. They told me Brad was the one with the knowledge. When it was clear I didn’t know Brad, they recited a long poem and then asked what I was doing. I told them I was chilling with my sweetie and they asked about my favorite things to do. I told them about building animal habitat sculptures. They thanked me for doing that, and then started joke-workshopping for a future open mic standup, and after that, another long poem. Then they asked me to send them money. No way, I replied. So they offered to volunteer. I directed them to the website.
11/5 The same caller regaled both Druids on our “party line” - a new feature, we added another phone to the kitchen. Regaling us, all while the Futel line constantly rang loudly for another line, that no one ever answered. More poetry and jokes in between dialing tones. Caller said they pressed over 30 buttons before reaching us.
11/5 Same caller spoke to the Druids of poetry, jokes, life and their health issues while drinking vodka. I thought these calls would automatically hang up after 15 minutes.
11/5 Same caller thought I was a different operator. Said that they had just talked to two people out in the woods and if I minded if they drank during the call. They started telling me the same jokes they were workshopping, and if I wanted to hear a poem. I said “no”, and hung up.
11/5 Probably the same caller. Picked up the receiver, then hung it up.